Failure

Have you ever felt like a total failure?  I thought I had.  Unfortunately, I found out tonight what it really feels like to feel like a total failure.  Be forewarned, if you are looking for cheerfulness and happiness, this is not the night.  You see, I have always told Prissy B that no matter what, always tell me the truth.  I can remember my mom telling me that.  I can also remember the horrible kid I was that had a serious lying problem.  If I had known how bad those stupid little lies I told hurt my Mom, I would have never let them slip out of my mouth.  While Prissy B and I argue some (She is 8, but thinks she is 16 most of the time), i have never faltered in trusting what she is saying to me.  We have always had a special relationship because she and I have been through so much together.  When Mr. B was gone, it was just her and I, when I was so sick trying to get Fireboy B here, it was just her and I for most of the days while I was on bedrest, and I have honestly never felt like she was outright lying to me about anything.  Fast forward to last Friday night.  I have  asked her repeatedly to bring her dirty clothes up to be washed.  I asked her Friday if they were all up here so we could do laundry this weekend.  Her answer:  Yes, Mom, I brought them all up.  I spent most of the weekend in bed because my shoulder has hurt so bad, so tonight, I told her that as soon as Fireboy B was in bed, I would go downstairs and help her pick up her room.  She immediately starts acting funny and tells me she is wanting to go to bed early.  I told her we would just pick some stuff up and then she could head on to bed early.  I get down there and a bomb has gone off in her room.  I very calmly (which was kinda shocking) ask her why she told me all her dirty clothes were upstairs.  To which she looks me in the eye and says "I thought they were all upstairs."  There is not a chance on this earth that she thought they were upstairs, you couldn't even see her carpet.  Am I angry about the room?  I am a little bit, but willing to help her clean it up.  So what has prompted this failure feeling?  She looked me in the eye and lied to me.  Not only did she lie the first time, she continued the lie for about 30 minutes. 

I have never been more hurt in my entire life.  The child that I knew I would butt heads with over clothes and boys and all sorts of other things just looked me in the eye and lied to me.  We have talked about lying.  We have talked about how bad it is and how you should just tell the truth and everything will be okay.  At no point was I prepared for this.  I realize that you may be looking at this thinking that I am being melodramatic, but I can honestly say that I am physically sick over this.  What have I done wrong?  Why am I sitting here crying my eyes out?  Why is it that I feel this overwhelming desire to call my Mom and apologize?  Because I was, and still have problems sometimes being, a liar.  I lied to my mom about the dumbest stuff imaginable.  I never knew how much it hurt though.  I never had any clue how bad it felt.  This isn't the first time I have been lied to.  Just the first time my baby girl looked me in the eye while she did it.  I have failed her as a parent, and I have failed her as a teacher.

To my mother, I am so very sorry for all the hurt that I must have caused you over the past 30 years, to my daughter, I hope you never have to hurt like I am hurting right at this very moment, and to those of you still reading, I hope you don't ever have this same feeling of failure that I have.