Failure

Have you ever felt like a total failure?  I thought I had.  Unfortunately, I found out tonight what it really feels like to feel like a total failure.  Be forewarned, if you are looking for cheerfulness and happiness, this is not the night.  You see, I have always told Prissy B that no matter what, always tell me the truth.  I can remember my mom telling me that.  I can also remember the horrible kid I was that had a serious lying problem.  If I had known how bad those stupid little lies I told hurt my Mom, I would have never let them slip out of my mouth.  While Prissy B and I argue some (She is 8, but thinks she is 16 most of the time), i have never faltered in trusting what she is saying to me.  We have always had a special relationship because she and I have been through so much together.  When Mr. B was gone, it was just her and I, when I was so sick trying to get Fireboy B here, it was just her and I for most of the days while I was on bedrest, and I have honestly never felt like she was outright lying to me about anything.  Fast forward to last Friday night.  I have  asked her repeatedly to bring her dirty clothes up to be washed.  I asked her Friday if they were all up here so we could do laundry this weekend.  Her answer:  Yes, Mom, I brought them all up.  I spent most of the weekend in bed because my shoulder has hurt so bad, so tonight, I told her that as soon as Fireboy B was in bed, I would go downstairs and help her pick up her room.  She immediately starts acting funny and tells me she is wanting to go to bed early.  I told her we would just pick some stuff up and then she could head on to bed early.  I get down there and a bomb has gone off in her room.  I very calmly (which was kinda shocking) ask her why she told me all her dirty clothes were upstairs.  To which she looks me in the eye and says "I thought they were all upstairs."  There is not a chance on this earth that she thought they were upstairs, you couldn't even see her carpet.  Am I angry about the room?  I am a little bit, but willing to help her clean it up.  So what has prompted this failure feeling?  She looked me in the eye and lied to me.  Not only did she lie the first time, she continued the lie for about 30 minutes. 

I have never been more hurt in my entire life.  The child that I knew I would butt heads with over clothes and boys and all sorts of other things just looked me in the eye and lied to me.  We have talked about lying.  We have talked about how bad it is and how you should just tell the truth and everything will be okay.  At no point was I prepared for this.  I realize that you may be looking at this thinking that I am being melodramatic, but I can honestly say that I am physically sick over this.  What have I done wrong?  Why am I sitting here crying my eyes out?  Why is it that I feel this overwhelming desire to call my Mom and apologize?  Because I was, and still have problems sometimes being, a liar.  I lied to my mom about the dumbest stuff imaginable.  I never knew how much it hurt though.  I never had any clue how bad it felt.  This isn't the first time I have been lied to.  Just the first time my baby girl looked me in the eye while she did it.  I have failed her as a parent, and I have failed her as a teacher.

To my mother, I am so very sorry for all the hurt that I must have caused you over the past 30 years, to my daughter, I hope you never have to hurt like I am hurting right at this very moment, and to those of you still reading, I hope you don't ever have this same feeling of failure that I have.

Grace, ain't it Amazing?

     Several days, lots of activities, and not a whole lot of sleep since the last blog post and I am still kicking out here.  We had a great time, the kids had a great time, and we are all still worn out.  I have been thinking though, so now I can ponder on another question like the other night. 
     I have been thinking about grace a lot lately, and forgiveness along with it.  It amazes me the amount of grace that God has for our lives.  No matter what we do, he is still loving us and wanting to pull us closer back to Him.  He forgives us and repeatedly asks us to come to him.  Look at when the Israelites were rescued from Egypt.  They rebelled, did wrong, asked forgiveness, and were granted God's divine grace.  Did they deserve it?  Probably not by our standards and ways of thinking.  I know that I can look at my children when they do wrong and forgive them.  God has given us that capability.  What I lack, however, is the grace that he has  in being able to move past the wrongdoing.  You see, I can forgive, but I can't forget.  It has been a joke in my family for years that I have the memory of an elephant.  I don't forget many things, and very rarely forget if I have been wronged by someone.  I forgive them, but it is always right there in my mind, able to be accessed with great ease.  So and so did such and such to me. 
     Some might say that I haven't truly forgiven.  I really have.  When I access the memory, I am not upset at the person for what they did.  In fact, other than giving my family a hard time about things sometime, I don't typically think twice about what the person did to me.  I remember, then move on to something different.  The problem for me is that I think that allows me to continually build walls.  So and so did such and such, so I can't let anybody with this trait get too close.  So and so did such and such, so I will be careful in future dealings with them.  So and so did such and such, so I will guard myself.  So and so did such and such, so I can't just forget about it.  Wait, why can't I?  I am missing the grace. 
     How do you get it?  Where do you find it?  Can you teach me grace?  Am I capable of true grace?  I really don't think we are.  I tend to see humans as more of an emotional, gut-feeling type than God.  I think God has the emotions, but he doesn't need the gut feelings.  He knows.  Is my lack of grace due to a need to know?  Is it just another part of the growth I need to achieve? 
     Grace, to forgive and forget, total absolution and pardon.  Is there a way to achieve this capability on this Earth?  I don't know.  I hope so. 

Weekend Crazy . . . Bring it On!!

So this weekend promises to be a crazy one around our house.  So far tonight we have dyed tulle and made cupcakes.  Gotta get up in the morning to make a cake, decorate my table at the Festival at church, come back home and turn the cake into a fire truck and decorate the cupcakes, head back to church for Festival of Tables, come home and get everything ready to take with us to church Sunday morning so that when we get out of church, we can immediately start decorating for the parties at 2:30.  Parties will be over at 5, then we gotta get everything from the party out within 30 minutes so that another event can be set up.  Sometime between all of that, before Sunday morning, Mr. B and I have to go get the rest of the kids' birthday presents and I have to write a discussion board post for my very last grad school class.  Once all that is done, gonna get the stuff ready for the school week next week, Fireboy B will be starting back to his church programs on Tuesday, and it is Alyssa's first full week of school.  Looks like we will be running full speed all weekend.  Amazingly enough, this has caused some looking back at fun stuff over the past few years.  Hopefully, I will be back on Monday with a load of pictures and a peek into what our weekend was all about.  Until then . . .

What a Day

Today has been a day full of firsts for us.  Prissy B went to her first day of 3rd grade.  She had a blast and is super excited about going back tomorrow.  It is so good to see her so excited.  Fireboy B went to anoter day with the lady that is going to keep him for us this year.  He is loving being with her and today was the first day that her kids were all at school and his friends were there with him.  Next week he will start school at our church and another church, the same two schools he went to last year.  He is really looking forward to starting next week.  I am so glad that he is staying with this lady.  She texted me tonight to see if she could take the boys to the pool tomorrow.  On the other side of the coin, Mr. B and I have both been extremely busy at work.  He is still enjoying his new job and I am filling in for another lady that had surgery earlier this week. 

Thanks to those of you who have responded about my just wondering question.  Someone had suggested "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.  I have this on my iPad and have been loving reading it everyday.  It is very short devotionals and by using the electronic version, I am able to take it with me.  I have been reading the devotional at one point during the day, then the verses several times throughout the day.

Have you ever thought about how amazing it is that God leads us to the areas that we need to be reading about?  It seems like every devotion book I open here lately and every Bible study day that I do is speaking to me with exactly what I am needing to hear that day.  I have heard people say that when they redo a Bible study or devotion book, it is like they have never seen it before.  I can understand that because when God is truly leading us to what we need, then what we take from it will be different every time. 

Tonight is definitely a night to be thanking God for all the he has given us, so I will finish this one up with some more towards my 1000 Gifts.

23.  Cooler temperatures

24.  Finding that one thing you need for the birthday party

25.  Finding a babysitter that your kids love

26.  NCIS reruns

27.  Snackwells white fudge drizzled caramel corn (If you haven't had it, just know that it is AMAZING)

28.  Cohesive signage (I am totally OCD about things sometimes)

29.  Vehicles tat run and have air conditioning

30.  The inspiration of friends, family, and neighbors

31.  A boss that shows gratitude and appreciation for my work

Just wondering

     So, tonight was the last night of the Bible study I have been going to for the past 7 weeks.  We did Priscilla Schirer's "Discerning the Voice of God" and it has really been a life-changing experience for me.  So many things have changed in my life in the past 7 weeks, Mr. B got a new job, we had to find a new babysitter for Fireboy B at what I consider last minute, things going on at work,  and scheduling issues with Prissy B and her activities.  Amazingly enough, although things have been hectic, I have been feeling more at peace in the past 7 weeks than I can ever remember feeling.  I am sleeping at night more, I am not fussing at my kids as much, Mr. B and I are getting along better than ever, and I am truly feeling better and more peaceful with the way things are going around here.  With school starting for Prissy B on Thursday, extended hours at work for the next 4-6 weeks, and school starting up for Fireboy B next week, I am calmer than I can ever remember being at this point in the year. 

     Did I mention that we have three big events this weekend?  Every year I participate in our church's Festival of Tables and that happens on Saturday.  This is the first year that Mr. B will be participating by waiting tables at the event, and I am really looking forward to a wonderful time.  I always have crazy, yet fun, tables and this year will be no exception.  My themes in previous years have ranged from "Football Time in Tennessee" to "Cinderella's Ball" and "Wonderful Friend" (A hawaiian theme with place cards written in Hawaiian).  I am super excited about this year's "Candy Land" theme and can't wait to decorate my table on Saturday morning.  I did say three big events and that is just one of them.  The other two go together and will be happening on Sunday afternoon.  You see, Prissy B was born at 12:26 pm on August 14, 2003.  It just so happens that Fireboy B was born at 1:26 pm on August 14, 2008.  We will be having both parties at the church on Sunday afternoon.  Fireboy B is having a firetruck party (surprise surprise), and Prissy B will be having a cupcake party.  So that makes  a grand total of three different events to decorate the same space for in less than 24 hours.  Normally I would be on stress level 45 out of 40 right about now, but amazingly enough, I am sitting here writing a blog post and not making list after list and checking everything three or four times. 

     I don't know that what I am doing is always following God's plan for me, but I do know that because of changes that I have made in my life, I am in a much better place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.  That brings me to my question that prompted this post.  How do you do a daily devotional/Bible study time?  While I have had the book to go with the study, I had a direction to go in and knew where to focus, but until the next study starts, and really during it because it isn't based the same way this one is, I don't really have a direction like I have had.  Do you have any suggestions?  Let me know what you do for your Bible/devotional time daily. 

More Gifts towards my 1000

15. Good friends willing to share recipes

16. Opportunities to reach out to people that I thought were lost

17. Memories of growing up coming back

18. Possibilities of what tomorrow will bring

19. A husband that is willing to eat whatever I put on the table

20. A friend willing to share bobby pins at recitals for our girls

21. Molasses to make caramel corn for movie night with

22. Back to School preparations

Obedience

Wow. What a day. It has been a definite day of ups and downs. Some times things happen that just make you want to crawl in a hole, and today has been one of those days.  I just finished my devotion for tonight and it was like a splash of water in the face. 

Obedience.

I expect it from my kids, I expect it from my husband some times, from the youth bells at church, from the kids at Bookworms, etc., but do I know how to practice it?  God asks for our obedience.  He shows us ways in which others have changed their lives to be obedient to him, yet am I really being obedient?  Am I ready and willing to follow His direction, no matter what He is asking? I would love to say yes, but I am afraid that would be lying.  I don't think I have the faith and obedience that Abraham had.  I am trying to get there, but I am not there yet.  In the ups and downs of today, I found myself quick to assign blame, quick to anger, and quick to use my tongue to hurt others.  None of it was intentional, but how different would my reaction have been if I had obeyed Him and held my tongue?  How different would the night have gone if I hadn't been so quick to assign blame to someone else?  My obedience is lacking.  How many times do we sit through that show or movie so as not to offend our friends or family, but we know it is offensive to God?  I know that we all have sins.  I have lots of my own, but is my big sin really disobedience as opposed to the other things that I thought it was?  How can I expect my children to obey if I am not setting the example for them? 

Here we go again!

So, here I am again, quite a while from my last post, but still trying to hang in here.  Things got kinda crazy around here the past couple of weeks.  Between Mr. B's new job, Prissy B's T-Ball games and church camps and dance camps (you get the drift), Fireboy B's potty training adventures, and my job and school stuff, it has just been hectic.  I am definitely ready for school to be starting this next week.  I am ready to get into a new routine and have some things settled back down.  Don't get me wrong, I love summer, but when you have to scrape the whole time to get babysitters covered, it makes it a little stressful. 
We got some bad news last week when Fireboy B's babysitter that he had all year last year after his days at school (church programs) where done until I could pick him up texted Mr. B to let him know that she had moved out of state and wouldn't be keeping the kids.  She has had Prissy B and Fireboy B in class at the church programs, watched Fireboy B at least 3 days a week all last school year (along with 2 other boys that he says are his "Bestest Fwends," and really been great for him to get used to me going to work.  She told me last May that she was going to leave her husband, but would be back at the end of summer to watch the boys.  I texted with her over the summer checking on her and seeing if she was okay and if she was still planning on keeping the boys.  She was, up until last Friday.  Did I mention that school starts on Thursday of next week?  Well, this little tidbit should have thrown me into full blown panic mode.  Luckily, I have been doing a wonderful Bible study that has continually been showing and telling me to quit worrying and trying to control everything and give it up to God.  For once, I really did that.  I really managed to stop the panic and pray about it.  By Saturday evening, another sitter had been lined up.  If that isn't an answer to prayers, then I don't know what is. 

Needless to say, that wasn't all that the last two weeks have had in store for us, and I am hoping that the surprises are going to slow down sometime soon, but I really got a life lesson out of this past weekend.  I am really trying to quit controlling everything that involves me.  I am 1.5 weeks into my last 5 week course before being finished with my M.S. in Criminal Justice.  My goal is to have learned to let go by the time I am done. 

We went to get school supplies last week, too.  I was a little sad to look at Prissy B's list and discover that it wasn't anything that she could really get to pick out the fun colors and patterns with, and there wasn't much of it.  Now, I am a self-proclaimed office supply nerd, so to go into Office Max or Staples is a huge exciting deal for me.  I love office supplies.  I love to get new notebooks and pens and desk stuff, you get the picture.  I had been looking forward to real school supply lists (you know, when you get to higher grades and the lists get longer) since Prissy B started school.  I guess I will just keep on looking forward to those lists, because this was not the year. 

We have another busy weekend ahead of us.  I guess it is kinda fitting since it is the last weekend of a pretty hectic summer.  Prissy B has a dance recital/fundraiser for a local missions organization on Friday, we have family movie night at church on Friday after the recital, there are papers to be written on Saturday, and housework to be done all weekend, plus I have to finish getting everything settled for the birthday parties next Sunday, the Festival of Tables at church next Saturday, and I start working more days next week because one of the other ladies is having surgery and I am gonna be doing her stuff as well as mine.  I am hoping to start blogging more regularly, but I have decided that if I am not able to, it is okay.  I WILL get my stress levels under control.  Nobody likes a stressed out me. 


Until next time,